


covered in the colors, pulled apart at the seams

by elizetcetera



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aromantic, Asexuality, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Pride 2019, Queer Culture, Queerplatonic Relationships, ace/aro lee taeyong, bisexual johnny seo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-05-12 12:02:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19228768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elizetcetera/pseuds/elizetcetera
Summary: “You belong here as much as I do.”“No, I don’t,” Taeyong says flatly. This is a conversation they’ve had a hundred times, and it always ends in a stalemate. As much as he tries, Johnny can’t make the world change for him. “Pride is about celebrating sex and love, not the lack thereof.”“Who says you lack love?” Johnny asks indignantly, smiling fondly as he leans closer to press a chaste kiss to Taeyong’s forehead.For some reason, that makes Taeyong want to cry more than the parade does.





	covered in the colors, pulled apart at the seams

**Author's Note:**

> Alternatively: queerplatonic johntae go to pride. For anyone that needs a Johnny in their ear aggressively telling them they are valid this pride season.  
> TW: pretty severe self-directed acephobia.
> 
> Also I just got an anon comment saying that this fic implies that "gays only care about sex"?? And I would like to clarify that I do not in any way think that, but that as an ace individual it's hard not to notice that society in general kind of forces sexuality on everyone in some way (not just LGBT people, but everyone), especially the narrative that if you don't want to have it, you are not normal and like... not human, somehow. Pride parades in particular are hyper-sexualized, and while I don't think that's at all a problem in itself (sex positivity is important!!!), there's not much ace/aro representation to make those groups feel included, and so it can sometimes make me personally feel hyper-aware of the fact that sexuality is often a MANDATORY component of pride.
> 
> Again, NOT saying anyone is doing anything wrong by expressing their sexuality! Everyone in the community should feel safe and free to express themselves at pride. <3 This is just pointing out that there's not really a space for ace/aro people at pride at this current moment in time and so to an ace person in an unhealthy mindset the sexuality at pride can be very noticeable.

The sunshine is almost blinding against all of the rainbows on the Los Angeles boulevard, which seems somewhat ironic, Taeyong thinks.

He really isn’t sure why he’d come. He feels completely out of his depth, completely wrong here, a tiny monochrome blip in this beautiful sea of rainbow. The music is too loud, Lady Gaga blaring from some nearby speaker, and everyone around him is brandishing dildos or catching condoms from the parade floats with whoops of joy and laughter, cheering as women ride past on their motorcycles, some of wearing lingerie, some in leather jackets, some with nothing on their top half at all.

It’s oppressively hot, on this sunny June day; it’s a little after noon, and the sun beats down on them, and Taeyong doesn’t want to take off his jacket, despite the sticky sweat coating his neck and back.

He feels a hand slip into his own, comforting, a way to say _I’m here,_ and he wonders how Johnny knew that he had been about to cry.

Johnny’s size is working to Taeyong’s advantage today, buffering Taeyong somewhat from the crowd. He stands at Taeyong’s side, steady and calm, even as Taeyong is trying to refrain from having a public breakdown. His throat is tight, and he closes his eyes, trying to gain back some semblance of control over himself. This is stupid, he tells himself. _You’re fine. This is supposed to be fun._

But he’s quickly overheating, and he doesn’t want to take his jacket off, and there’s a guy on a float making various crude sexual gestures, to the delight of the other queer pride-goers, and Taeyong isn’t having fun.

Johnny looks at him questioningly when Taeyong turns to him, eyes roaming over the pretty pink, purple and blue stripes painted carefully on Johnny’s cheeks by Taeyong’s own fingers hours previously. He didn’t want to ruin this for Johnny, happy and confident and finally having found his place in this community after such a long time of fighting for his validity, of being silenced by other queer people because he likes boys but he also likes girls and that is suspiciously close to being _straight_.

The words _not oppressed enough_ echo in Taeyong's head.

He can’t ruin this moment for Johnny, but he also can’t be here any longer, staring at the _love wins_ posters and feeling hollow and wrong.

Taeyong bites his lip, and Johnny leans down to hear him, the party loud around them.

“I don’t--I don’t belong here,” Taeyong breathes into Johnny’s ear, simply, without much emotion, just stating a fact.

Johnny’s eyes burn fiercely in a way that Taeyong’s would never, not about this. He shakes his head, and grips Taeyong’s hand hard, and says clearly, “You belong here as much as I do.”

“No, I don’t,” Taeyong says flatly. This is a conversation they’ve had a hundred times, and it always ends in a stalemate. As much as he tries, Johnny can’t make the world change for him. “Pride is about celebrating sex and love, not the lack thereof.”

“Who says you lack love?” Johnny asks indignantly, smiling fondly as he leans closer to press a chaste kiss to Taeyong’s forehead.

For some reason, that makes Taeyong want to cry more than the parade does.

“You know what I mean,” he manages, frustrated. People around them will think that he and Johnny are together, boyfriends, in that romantic, passionate way that they make movies about. It bothers him that he would rather they assume wrongly than judge him for the truth.

It would be easier if they were dating, a nasty voice whispers in his head. It would make him so much more normal, if he felt that way about Johnny, his best friend, seemingly perfect for a life partner. And he’s tried, oh has he tried. It’s as if all the pieces are there but they don’t quite assemble a full puzzle.

Johnny must notice the genuine distress on Taeyong's face, because his smile falls. “You are valid and you belong here. How many times do I need to tell you that?”

A few angry tears are dripping from Taeyong’s eyes now, and he wipes them away, irritated at himself for being so sensitive and not just enjoying the happy moment of togetherness that everyone else here apparently feels a part of. And for ruining this for Johnny, for making this about himself when it just _isn’t_. Pride isn’t for him. He's got nothing to be proud of. He’s an ally at best, and an imposter at worst.

“Look,” Johnny says into his ear, pointing down the road, at the floats approaching from a distance. He squeezes his hand as Taeyong’s eyes land on a patch of purple and white and gray. Something in Taeyong’s chest loosens, slightly, at the sight, the first ace colors he’s seen today, apart from the pin that Johnny had placed proudly on the inside of Taeyong’s jacket this morning, out of sight, but there.

Johnny had been there for him since the beginning, even before Taeyong had told him in a hushed whisper that he's _never felt that way about anyone_ and Johnny had accepted it, accepted him, without question.

And he'd been accepting him every day since, always holding Taeyong's hand through the bad times and the good, when he's hit on by assholes who don't understand the word _no_ and having Johnny at his side is sure to make them just _go away,_ even if it ruins Johnny's prospects for the evening. _I don't mind,_ he always says. _I wish people would get that you don't need a fucking reason to say no, though._

Taeyong always ducks his head in embarrassment, wishing he could just go home with these guys and not be grossed out by it, wishing he wasn't the weird frigid guy at the gay bar, the one that people almost certainly laugh about in passing, _what the hell is he even doing here if he doesn't want to get laid?_ , wishing Johnny didn't have to baby-sit him through every single evening out with their friends or pretend to be his boyfriend to keep drunk people from hitting on him even though he is quite clearly _not interested_.

“Just because you’re not straight and you’re not gay doesn’t mean you don’t belong at pride,” Johnny says, putting an arm around Taeyong’s small shoulders. “And _fuck_ anyone that’s ever told you otherwise. Look at me. Look at her. You think we don’t belong at pride either?”

A smiling trans woman waves at them from her float, wearing a blue and white and pink flag like a cape, appearing regal and happy and like she _belongs_ up there. Taeyong can’t help but smile back.

If she can do it, maybe Taeyong can, too. He's happy for all of these people that have found their home; he just doesn't feel a part of it yet. But maybe he will, one day. Even if he feels invisible and like he shouldn’t matter. Even if he feels like blank space most of the time, the absence of light or color or sound. All of the media that has told him he won’t have a complete or fulfilling life without a romantic partner plays across his mind’s eye, and he realizes that, right now, he doesn’t feel like he’s missing something with Johnny’s arm across his shoulders and his smile bright.

Johnny doesn’t make him feel like he’s broken. He makes him feel happy and colorful and bright. It’s not romantic love, in the way Taeyong sees in movies and reads in books, the thing that makes people desperate for each other and drives them crazy, but it is love, comforting and peaceful and soft. Inside jokes in crowded coffee shops and warm hugs at airports and meals shared in companionable silence after a long day.

It is love, and he won’t let anyone tell him otherwise. He won't let anyone under-value the depth of their relationship just because he and Johnny don't have sex or plan to marry each other. He sees the strength with which Johnny cares about him, and he feels just as strongly in return.

He smiles at Johnny, and squeezes his hand, telling him silently, _I’m okay_ and _Thank you._ Johnny smiles back. If Taeyong can’t fight for himself yet, and for all of the other people that felt as broken as him, then he’ll fight for this. He'll fight for Johnny, and maybe once in a while he'll let Johnny fight for him.

Until then, there is rainbow glitter settling on Johnny's head from above, falling all around them, and the ace float is gliding past them, and Taeyong laughs, picking a piece of confetti from Johnny's eyelashes. "Happy pride," he says, holding up the confetti for Johnny. "Make a wish."

Johnny laughs, too, and blows on the confetti, sending it flying into the air, shimmering as it falls. He's looking at Taeyong, looking at Taeyong like he's proud of him, even though Johnny's the one with his face painted proudly in his colors like a warrior. He's proud of Johnny, and Johnny's proud of him. And that's more than enough for now.

**Author's Note:**

> PSA that pride can be difficult for ace and aro folks (at least this ace/aro folk lol). Also, queerplatonic relationships are nice and please can we talk more about them, because damn I enjoyed writing this one.  
> Also fuck bi erasure and trans exclusion, which I didn't mention too much in this piece but please know that it is very much still alive and kicking in the queer community, even if it's gotten better for some. We should all be welcome at pride.


End file.
